BIG SISTER HI JINX
Right on Target Graduation Party
8 hours ago
Aug 10, 2011
Aug 8, 2011
Fantasy Mommy Team
In honor of the start of Fantasy Football - and yes I do belong to a few leagues - I thought I would create a Mommy Fantasy team. A compilation of my favorite REALITY tv mommys!
Points would be awarded for:
Surviving kid meltdowns
Surviving husband's stupidity
Cute outfits for mommy and kids
Cute kid and/or husband
Extra points for cute names
Making a homemade meal
Arguments with fellow mommys/housewives
Extra points for items or tables being thrown
Parties, Parties, Parties
100 points per mention of being stressed or how hard life is
Crying will be an automatic DQ and 1 week on the bench
Messy hair or appearing disheveled
Walking off/out of episode
My Fantasy Mommy Team:
Tori SpellingYeah I know me too, it's mostly been a love/hate since 90210 and her really bad boob job but- since becoming a mommy and doing reality tv she really isn't that bad.
Scores big in: Homemade everything! Parties, cute kids and clothes.
Point buster: We all know she loves her nanny Patsy!
Caroline ManzoNo one can take a hit like this mean Italian mama. Mess with her and she'll have a fix on you faster then the sopranos can find their hammer.
Scores big in: Homemade Italian food! Scaring the crap out of all the moms in NJ with a look. "let me tell you sumthang..."
Negatives: Her kids aren't much to look at and I'm pretty sure she isn't styling herself now a days.
Mommy points: Lots of hormone driven arguments with reality star children and their questionable spouses.
Deduct loads of points for looking disheveled, both Kris and Bruce.
Surviving husband's stupidity
Cute outfits for mommy and kids
Cute kid and/or husband
Extra points for cute names
Making a homemade meal
Arguments with fellow mommys/housewives
Extra points for items or tables being thrown
Parties, Parties, Parties
100 points per mention of being stressed or how hard life is
Negative points awarded for:
Use of nanny, cook, driver, or stylist
Crying will be an automatic DQ and 1 week on the bench
Messy hair or appearing disheveled
Walking off/out of episode
My Fantasy Mommy Team:
Tori SpellingScores big in: Homemade everything! Parties, cute kids and clothes.
Point buster: We all know she loves her nanny Patsy!
Caroline ManzoScores big in: Homemade Italian food! Scaring the crap out of all the moms in NJ with a look. "let me tell you sumthang..."
Negatives: Her kids aren't much to look at and I'm pretty sure she isn't styling herself now a days.
Kris Jenner
I bet in the 80s she was a really great stay at home mom to Kourtney, Kim, Khole and Robert. Now this mom of 6 and grandma is all Hollywood with a complete set of Louis Vuitton family DRAMA!
Mommy points: Lots of hormone driven arguments with reality star children and their questionable spouses.
Deduct loads of points for looking disheveled, both Kris and Bruce.
Casey Jones
Star of TLC's Quints by Surprise this mama of quints and big sis Eliot is super cool, super cute, and super fun to watch. This power mom will score LOADS of points in all areas, surviving meltdowns, cute kids with cute names and a super cute hubby!
Downside: you won't see this mama have a meltdown or argument on screen, a big no no for T.L.C.
If you watch the show: nuff said.
Loads of points both +/-
Happy Fantasy Reality watching!!
--best
Aug 3, 2011
So you wanna try this huh?
My dear dear dear bestie Amber just said to me, "do you want me to trade places with you to give you a break?" Oh Amber, you silly silly girl. If you want to be around my kids here are some things you are going to have to do/deal with...
1. The word poop is a adjective, verb and noun in this house. Please use it appropriately.
2. You don't get to eat your meal - so don't try. You will eat standing up while running back and forth from table to kitchen refilling cups, food portions, getting ketchup, ranch, napkins, tissues, water, milk, salt, pepper, more food and then pre-washing the dishes to get a jump start on clean up.
3. There is no life past the Disney channel so don't try it. If you even attempt to watch the news, Today show, any and I mean any reality TV you will be forced to endure screaming that will wake the dead. Get it?
4. Laundry. At least 2 loads a day so get your arm muscles ready.
5. The parrot will repeat everything. The parrot will repeat everything. The parrot will repeat everything.
6. You will be invaded in the bathroom so keep it short and simple.
7. Because your husband works like a lunatic and works side jobs that have side jobs you are now the gardener. Open the garage, yes the place with the car and all of your husbands other junk, pull out the lawn mower, yes I know it's heavy, lug it to the backyard and mow. Oh, wait, first you must get the shovel that your husband made the size of a midget - I don't know why - and pick up Lucy's poop. See poop, I told you. Then you can mow. Oh don't forget to get around the swing set, loop in and out of the swings and dodge the tree branches. Done? Nope! Pull the mower through the rocks and back out front. Mow the front QUICKLY, you must do this quickly. If you do not you will be forced to listen to Snot Rod choke up a phlegm cookie or have our other neighbors kids ask you "how the family is" like 5 times and he is only 16!
8. Bath time! Kerplunk! Fill up the tub with warm water and soap. Look right - yes that is Jack trying to climb in with his clothes on, phew! you caught him! Plop him in and that speeding bullet that just ran past you was naked Sydney - she should now be sitting next to Jack in tub. Check and check. Ok don't go anywhere because the following events will and I mean WILL happen...
Sydney will drink the water.
Jack will drink the water.
You will say, "ewwww don't drink bath water!!"
You will look down for 1 millisecond.
You will look up and both kids will be drinking the water.
You will now shout, "What did I just say, don't drink the water!!!"
This will continue for a solid 5 minutes. Good Luck.
9. Post bath the kids will need to be put in their jammies. Don't let the shark run around naked - his hose will water Sydney's room! Trust me.
10. Pre-bed time. Home stretch but you have your toughest task left. Jack should be pretty easy. He likes to drink his bottle in his bed while listening to his rainforrest music. Put his pacifier in his hand, if you hear "uh oh" over and over and over it's because he dropped his paci down the backside of his crib like a plinko chip. You must retrieve. Close door. Done.
11. Sydney. Ok partner, saddle up, pull the reigns in tight and get ready for the wildest bucking bronco ride of your life. She'll be stubborn, she'll be sweet, she'll cry, she'll think of 97 reasons why she shouldn't be in bed. Hold tight, stay strong, I have faith that you can do this. If you can corral this pony there are 24 refreshingly cold silver bullets in the fridge. Brush her teeth, take her potty, give a small cup of water, turn out light and get the hell out of there. Retreat to the safety of the couch and hopefully she won't see you!
Well that's it. Don't worry about the huge mess of toys at your feet I'll put those away later. But please remember to pick up your bottles - I'm sure there will be at least 6 after your evening.
Cheers bestie!
--best
1. The word poop is a adjective, verb and noun in this house. Please use it appropriately.
2. You don't get to eat your meal - so don't try. You will eat standing up while running back and forth from table to kitchen refilling cups, food portions, getting ketchup, ranch, napkins, tissues, water, milk, salt, pepper, more food and then pre-washing the dishes to get a jump start on clean up.
3. There is no life past the Disney channel so don't try it. If you even attempt to watch the news, Today show, any and I mean any reality TV you will be forced to endure screaming that will wake the dead. Get it?
4. Laundry. At least 2 loads a day so get your arm muscles ready.
5. The parrot will repeat everything. The parrot will repeat everything. The parrot will repeat everything.
6. You will be invaded in the bathroom so keep it short and simple.
7. Because your husband works like a lunatic and works side jobs that have side jobs you are now the gardener. Open the garage, yes the place with the car and all of your husbands other junk, pull out the lawn mower, yes I know it's heavy, lug it to the backyard and mow. Oh, wait, first you must get the shovel that your husband made the size of a midget - I don't know why - and pick up Lucy's poop. See poop, I told you. Then you can mow. Oh don't forget to get around the swing set, loop in and out of the swings and dodge the tree branches. Done? Nope! Pull the mower through the rocks and back out front. Mow the front QUICKLY, you must do this quickly. If you do not you will be forced to listen to Snot Rod choke up a phlegm cookie or have our other neighbors kids ask you "how the family is" like 5 times and he is only 16!
8. Bath time! Kerplunk! Fill up the tub with warm water and soap. Look right - yes that is Jack trying to climb in with his clothes on, phew! you caught him! Plop him in and that speeding bullet that just ran past you was naked Sydney - she should now be sitting next to Jack in tub. Check and check. Ok don't go anywhere because the following events will and I mean WILL happen...
Sydney will drink the water.
Jack will drink the water.
You will say, "ewwww don't drink bath water!!"
You will look down for 1 millisecond.
You will look up and both kids will be drinking the water.
You will now shout, "What did I just say, don't drink the water!!!"
This will continue for a solid 5 minutes. Good Luck.
9. Post bath the kids will need to be put in their jammies. Don't let the shark run around naked - his hose will water Sydney's room! Trust me.
10. Pre-bed time. Home stretch but you have your toughest task left. Jack should be pretty easy. He likes to drink his bottle in his bed while listening to his rainforrest music. Put his pacifier in his hand, if you hear "uh oh" over and over and over it's because he dropped his paci down the backside of his crib like a plinko chip. You must retrieve. Close door. Done.
11. Sydney. Ok partner, saddle up, pull the reigns in tight and get ready for the wildest bucking bronco ride of your life. She'll be stubborn, she'll be sweet, she'll cry, she'll think of 97 reasons why she shouldn't be in bed. Hold tight, stay strong, I have faith that you can do this. If you can corral this pony there are 24 refreshingly cold silver bullets in the fridge. Brush her teeth, take her potty, give a small cup of water, turn out light and get the hell out of there. Retreat to the safety of the couch and hopefully she won't see you!
Well that's it. Don't worry about the huge mess of toys at your feet I'll put those away later. But please remember to pick up your bottles - I'm sure there will be at least 6 after your evening.
Cheers bestie!
--best
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