So you wanna try this huh?

My dear dear dear bestie Amber just said to me, "do you want me to trade places with you to give you a break?" Oh Amber, you silly silly girl. If you want to be around my kids here are some things you are going to have to do/deal with...

1. The word poop is a adjective, verb and noun in this house. Please use it appropriately.

2. You don't get to eat your meal - so don't try. You will eat standing up while running back and forth from table to kitchen refilling cups, food portions, getting ketchup, ranch, napkins, tissues, water, milk, salt, pepper, more food and then pre-washing the dishes to get a jump start on clean up.

3. There is no life past the Disney channel so don't try it. If you even attempt to watch the news, Today show, any and I mean any reality TV you will be forced to endure screaming that will wake the dead. Get it?

4. Laundry. At least 2 loads a day so get your arm muscles ready.

5. The parrot will repeat everything. The parrot will repeat everything. The parrot will repeat everything.

6. You will be invaded in the bathroom so keep it short and simple.

7. Because your husband works like a lunatic and works side jobs that have side jobs you are now the gardener. Open the garage, yes the place with the car and all of your husbands other junk, pull out the lawn mower, yes I know it's heavy, lug it to the backyard and mow. Oh, wait, first you must get the shovel that your husband made the size of a midget - I don't know why - and pick up Lucy's poop. See poop, I told you. Then you can mow. Oh don't forget to get around the swing set, loop in and out of the swings and dodge the tree branches. Done? Nope! Pull the mower through the rocks and back out front. Mow the front QUICKLY, you must do this quickly. If you do not you will be forced to listen to Snot Rod choke up a phlegm cookie or have our other neighbors kids ask you "how the family is" like 5 times and he is only 16!

8. Bath time! Kerplunk! Fill up the tub with warm water and soap. Look right - yes that is Jack trying to climb in with his clothes on, phew! you caught him! Plop him in and that speeding bullet that just ran past you was naked Sydney - she should now be sitting next to Jack in tub. Check and check. Ok don't go anywhere because the following events will and I mean WILL happen...
Sydney will drink the water.
Jack will drink the water.
You will say, "ewwww don't drink bath water!!"
You will look down for 1 millisecond.
You will look up and both kids will be drinking the water.
You will now shout, "What did I just say, don't drink the water!!!"
This will continue for a solid 5 minutes. Good Luck.

9. Post bath the kids will need to be put in their jammies. Don't let the shark run around naked - his hose will water Sydney's room! Trust me.

10. Pre-bed time. Home stretch but you have your toughest task left. Jack should be pretty easy. He likes to drink his bottle in his bed while listening to his rainforrest music. Put his pacifier in his hand, if you hear "uh oh" over and over and over it's because he dropped his paci down the backside of his crib like a plinko chip. You must retrieve. Close door. Done.

11. Sydney. Ok partner, saddle up, pull the reigns in tight and get ready for the wildest bucking bronco ride of your life. She'll be stubborn, she'll be sweet, she'll cry, she'll think of 97 reasons why she shouldn't be in bed. Hold tight, stay strong, I have faith that you can do this. If you can corral this pony there are 24 refreshingly cold silver bullets in the fridge. Brush her teeth, take her potty, give a small cup of water, turn out light and get the hell out of there. Retreat to the safety of the couch and hopefully she won't see you!

Well that's it. Don't worry about the huge mess of toys at your feet I'll put those away later. But please remember to pick up your bottles - I'm sure there will be at least 6 after your evening.

Cheers bestie!

--best