Throat Punch Thursday: Celiac Disease is real you nimrod

Linking up again with The TRUTH about Motherhood and Adventures in Mommyhood for another edition of

Man I am so mad right now I'm going to attempt to get through this post without dropping an F bomb. (my blog just isn't ready for that yet)

There is a man that lives in Colorado named Damian J Cardone, a chef, a bastard. Damian? Your name is Damian? You've lived up to your namesake. What did this complete ass do? He posted on facebook that even though his diners requested a gluten free dish - he did not alter the ingredients. See the post here.

Damian, you ignorant twit, take a seat before you hurt yourself mmmm k?

Celiac Disease is real, your cooking abilities are not.

Celiac Disease is the real allergy to gluten.

Celiac Disease is a life long struggle for a body to break down nutrients found in wheat, barley and rye.

You think you are funny by preparing a meal with wheat and you think your diners were fine. Guess what you ass bag - continued exposure to glutens in a person affected by CD will, not maybe, will lead to intestinal cancer.

I'm glad you were able to leave your job in the underwear department at Walmart to become a Chef, I'm sure that was a great promotion for you. I'm glad you were able to type out sentences on FB since you apparently have no education. And I'm glad that you obviously don't have a life long disease that affects your everyday living, other than the ones you may be inflecting upon yourself.

Damian, I hate you. Go to hell.

Neighbor Wars part I

We have a gem of a neighbor. It's every ones worse nightmare. Cops are there every other month or so. He goes anyway, comes back some months later wearing some jewelry on his ankle. His winter attire is a indoor soccer warm up, his summer outfit is jean cut off shorts, no shirt, beer belly hanging out and matching beer can. (at all hours of the day) He doesn't work, nooooo, why would he? He has 4 black beat up cars that of course don't get parked in the garage. These beauts stay on the street! And in the summer he washes them daily. If you aren't in love yet just wait. His most enduring quality, ladies start lining up, are the lovely sound effects he makes. I'll never fully understand the need for men to "hawk a loogie" - why? You are sniffling up your phlegm to spit it out your mouth? Just a shot in the dark but a tissue seems a bit easier. Mr.Man spits, hawks, coughs, hacks, spits, makes that loud sucking up noise and then spits out his lung cookie. He is rank. But the best part of all are the snot rockets! You heard me right. I recently learned that this is also called a farmer snort. Anyway you slice it it's the most disgusting thing in the world.

The other morning we are getting in the car. I see him out there, great. He starts up his hacking. Cough Cough Cough, hack hack hack. Puff Puff Puff - it's not the cigarettes, no no no no no. And then the nose clear, a snot rocket. I quickly load Jack in his seat.

Sydney says "What is that?"

Me "Our disgusting neighbor"

Sydney "What is he doing"

Me "Shooting a snot rocket"

Sydney "WHAT?!?! He is shooting rockets?"

*************************************************************

One week later....

9:00pm Fire trucks pulled into the neighborhood.

I run into Sydney's room, her window has the best view! They pull up to icky neighbors house.

Sydney "MOMMY! That's snotrods house!"

Me "yes!" ::laughing::

Sydney "Are they taking him away for shooting his rockets?"

Me ::now laughing my ass off:: "I hope so!"

to be continued...

-best

Jack's 1st Birthday!

Saturday March 26, my baby boy turned 1! We had a little man party to honor him - it was a blast!

25 of our friends and family came to celebrate. We served Panera Bread baked potato soup in mini bread bowls and Gluten Free Vegetable Beef soup. We also had Panera Bread BBQ Chopped Chicken Salad and Asian Sesame Chicken Salad. My mom and I made mini PBJ, mini Ham and Cheese and mini Cucumber and Cream Cheese sandwiches. Chips, Fruit, Cupcakes and homemade chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches topped it off! It was delicious!

Jack was in amazing spirits, he got some great gifts and even sampled his cupcake! It was a great day to celebrate a tough 1st year! I'd say this Little Man has come a long way! Enjoy the pics!

My best friend Amber made the shirts! Sydney wore one too but for some reason getting a family picture escaped me! :(

Amazingly adorable graphics were made by Kim on etsy.

The post cake hair SPIKE!

Mr. Cool riding in his new dump truck from Mom Mom & Pop Pop. Happy Birthday Jackman! Here's to a great 2nd year!

xoxo Mommy!

-best

Throat Punch Thursday: Sign Spinners

I've been reading Adventures in Mommywood and she cracks me up on a daily basis. She does a Throat Punch Thursday, and well I'm actually inspired to write one.

Sooooooo, this first edition of Throat Punch goes out to the creator of the most annoying distraction ever while driving your car - the sign spinner.

Don't know what I mean? I mean this guy:

I would love to round house, pile dive, and peoples elbow the inventor of this sick um "doo doo". AHHHHH. I'm sure this started as a marketing "risk", now the inventor of this virtual commercial is laughing all the way to the bank. Hmmm I wonder if a sign holder pointed him there?

But seriously there is a sign holder for everything, I'm not kidding. In the .5 miles we drive from the highway to our development there are 3 sign holders.

1. For the local mexican restaurant.

2. The local puppy mill, oops I mean Pet Shop.

3. The jewel in my crown, or thorn in my butt, Liberty Tax.

Oh yeah you know you've seen these DBs in their Statue of Liberty gowns. Our guy is going for employee of the freaking millennium. He waves, he points, he mimes, he smiles, he annoys the CRAP out of me.

Yesterday when we drove by I couldn't help it. I said, "oh my god I want to punch that guy in the face."

Forgetting the kids are in the car Sydney says.

"who? who do you want to punch mommy? that guy? that weird guy?"

So here is a gigantic throat punch to liberty tax.

Throat punch to sign spinners.

Throat punch with a side of roundhouse and an extra layer of whoop-ass to the inventor of sign spinners.

Worse than torture

Do you want to know what the world's worst torture is?

You are awoken in the middle of the night to feed your baby. You stubble into the nursery to change his diaper while you wait 10 minutes for your zombie hubs to make the bottle. Your baby is screaming at the top of his lungs, each cry is now forming a rhythm, a freight train of deafening tones, you attempt to settle but nothing is going to cure this beast. Alas the bottle arrives, the babe begins to eat...ah, silence. You sit on the bed, jittery from the last 10 minutes of adrenaline. Now that you are wide awake you turn on the TV to keep you company during this feast. Whats on? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Oh wait whats this? Oh god, it's Diners Drive ins and Dives. Must change channel, must change channel. Too late, Guy's neon blond hair has sent tracker beams to my brain. I'm hooked, what are they making? NO! NO! It can't be, no please god make it stop - the deliciousness.

Now that the baby is back to sleep you put him in the crib. Back to bed. You now lay awake, tossing and turning, dreaming of the greasy delights. You tip toe down to the kitchen. Hoping, praying, needing there to be something, anything that will fill the void. You open the pantry. Rats! You open the fridge. Damn! Nothing, there is nothing.

Damn you Guy! Damn you Diners - Drive ins - and Dives! Damn you!

Do you always run at the mouth or is this the Tuesday afternoon special?

I had to take Jack to the doctor on Tuesday. Monday when I picked him up from school (daycare) he looked off, by Tuesday he was in full on sick mode. I called the doctors office to get an appointment, I was hoping to get in first thing Wednesday morning because our lovely amazing so nice doctor only works Monday, Wednesday, Friday. But as I was listing the symptoms and discussing his asthma the receptionist said, um actually I want you to talk to the nurse. The nurse gets on and said, oh we need to see him right now. So we were off.

There are 8 doctors in the practice, I was thinking please don't let it be the icky mean doctor with the icky mean nurse. Which nurse? "Nurse Ratched" When Jack was 5 days old we took him in because he was upset and crying all the time. We were thinking he could have a milk allergy and acid reflux like Sydney. The nurse said to Jack, "I think you've got your mommy's number." WHAT? What did she just say? Are you basically saying I'm being a softy? I just stared at her blankly and then said, "I don't think so, acid reflux and extreme food allergies run in the family." a.k.a Stop touching my baby and get out.

So yes that was the nurse I was dreading. The doctor is icky because he has zero absolutely zero people skills. He barely mumbles hello, and with every symptom I say he just types it into his computer and then asks a follow up question, it makes me feel like he is trying to catch me in a lie. example:

Doctor Icky: "and how long has Jack had a runny nose?"
Me: "about 1 week now"
Doctor Icky types into his computer, looks up and says: "ok so you would say about 5 days, yes?"
Me: "yes, or maybe 4, 6, I'm not totally sure."
Doctor Icky: "five days of yellow snot or five days of sniffling?"
Me: "um......" Geez.

So we check in and sit in the waiting room. Sure enough Nurse Ratched rolls out from the desk, "Jackson." We collect our belongings and followed her to the room. She then said something I found very strange, "Please get him naked." Naked? Did she really say naked? Most of the time they say please take him down to a diaper, or please undress him. But "Nurse no holds barred" says naked. I lay him on the table and she says, "Holy cow he is a big boy." I cringed, ok I'll let this one slide, I just smiled. I took off his clothes and she is asking me his symptoms, she walks over to him and rips his socks off. Ok I guess she really meant naked. She says again, "man you are just a big boy aren't you." After violating him with the thermometer, twice, "ooops it wasn't on the first time." She said to me, "Ok let's go see how much his royal bigness weighs." Holy crap! She just has absolute diarrhea of the freaking mouth! Yes Jack is big but shit lady he isn't a two ton tubby. I don't see MTV True Life cameras following me around filming the new special, I'm a mother of a ginormous baby. No that's not Bob and Jilly (as sydney calls her) in my pocket and I'm not feeding him the Special K diet. I was pissed.

Doctor Icky did his assessment, asking me about 10 questions about Jack's asthma and his doctors at Children's Hospital. After his exam they did a nebulizer treatment in office, Nurse in your face came back with the tank. I scowled at her. I think she knew she had pushed me too far. She set up the neb and was trying to explain to me how to hold the mask, I grabbed the mask and said, "we've done this many times, Jack knows what to do." I put the mask up to him and he didn't even flinch, he didn't cry, he didn't move. Almost to say, don't worry Mom I've got this one. The dude sat there like a champ! He did the entire neb without pushing off the mask. I was so proud! Shut your face Nurse toxic waste!

I got him dressed, we gathered up our belongings and walked to the door. Before we left Nurse I'm an idiot said, "I hope your big guy feels better soon."

I turned and said, "I think a nice big bottle will do the trick." seeeeeeeeeeeee ya!

best -